Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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