the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
