So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
