direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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