i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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