He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
