my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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