I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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