Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
