when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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