dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Randomize
