The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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