I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
