Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
