He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
