if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
