I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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