Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
