A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
