Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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