the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
50% drunk capacity currently
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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