good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He felt like a one man threesome
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
