youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
