i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
