I feel like abortions should bother me more
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
please come you make the beer taste better
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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