Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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