How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
