textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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