Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
