Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
