no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
