I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
