we have pet lesbian snakes
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
