i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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