whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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