Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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