God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
