i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
