FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
