I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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