how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
