It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
