Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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