I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
false alarm. still invincible.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
