Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
