Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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