I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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