i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
