why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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