I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
