Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
