obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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