I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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