I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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